I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
