The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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