so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
