1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
