R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I bet he comes in French.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Four minutes until I can fart!
We need to rekindle our bromance
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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