Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
