I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize