I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
