i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm at about main and main street
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
