Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
