He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
