there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
