shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
