I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
