Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
