i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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