Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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