I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
