hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
