Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
