I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
BRING THE BAGELS
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize