nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize