Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
