So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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