Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
