I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
