I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
we're so committed to being not committed
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize