It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
