Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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