Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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