Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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