If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
