mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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