My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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