I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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