I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
