Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
