I didn't shave. On purpose
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
