My girlfriend figured out who you are.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
