he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
