don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
