its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize