he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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