I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
