No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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