im six kinds of drunk right now
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
