Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
