Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
