she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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