im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize