I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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