i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
