I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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