I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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