he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
