Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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