i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
