you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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