i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Randomize
