Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Houston, we have a squirter
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize