you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize