I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Boobs are out for the taking
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
