i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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