I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
