I am puke
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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