Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
