I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize