Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Panties = found
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
